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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24857476">even if my love is a love i’m doing alone</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucitae/pseuds/paddyfields'>paddyfields (lucitae)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, implied kunikage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 08:00:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,390</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24857476</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucitae/pseuds/paddyfields</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In the second spring of high school, Kunimi Akira is met with his 12th after school confession.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kindaichi Yuutarou &amp; Kunimi Akira</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>41</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>even if my love is a love i’m doing alone</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>title comes from iu's <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFovwXZtE28">love alone</a>.</p><p>heavily inspired after reading <a href="https://mangadex.org/title/43219/kieta-hatsukoi">kieta hatsukoi</a> ( please check it out )</p><p>this is a practice of writing because i have no idea how their characterizations are and yet kunimi fits the things i want to explore too well so... here's this mess i guess. also i have no idea what a character study consists of but pretty sure this ain't it.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">The sky is an endless blue blotted by the occasional white. The afternoon sun angles shadows in a way that highlights best features. The leaves rustle under conduct of the wind. Long hair spills into her face that she tucks behind her ear, eyes fluttering shyly from the ground to meet Akira's. </p><p class="p1">It looks like a scene out of a movie.</p><p class="p1">One that Akira wants no part of.</p><p class="p1">He wouldn't be here if not for Kindaichi's meddling.</p><p class="p1"><em>What's the harm?</em> he had asked with the enthusiasm and giddiness of neighborhood aunties setting up dates for single folk, believing they were doing a <em>favor</em>.<br/>
<em>He'll be there</em>, Kindaichi affirmed to the flock of female bodyguards around one nervous looking girl, despite Akira having brushed them off with <em>I have practice</em>.</p><p class="p1">And so here he is, strapped into the twelfth afternoon confession that he's answered to.</p><p class="p1">She bows, 90 degrees, both hands outstretched and holding onto a simple white envelope sealed by a red heart sticker. Her friends are around the corner, "hiding", and giving moral support. Akira catches a tuft of black hair trying really hard to be inconspicuous ( and failing tragically ). He glances at the time. A few more minutes before coach will absolutely yell at them.</p><p class="p1">"I've liked you for a while now," she says, eyes still downcast. From this angle her ears look red. "I don't expect you to accept my feelings but would you give me a chance to get to know you better?"</p><p class="p1">She looks up then, peeking between her bangs. The lock of hair that was tucked behind the ear now cascades forward, in a way that would send hearts aflutter.</p><p class="p1">See, if this was a movie it would unfold in one of three ways:</p>
<ol>
<li class="p1">The boy has also secretly harbored romantic feelings and takes this as an opportunity to be her boyfriend.</li>
<li class="p1">The boy finds her confession refreshing and says yes on a whim, falling in love with her along the way.</li>
<li class="p1">The boy rejects her but only because she isn't the female lead.</li>
</ol><p>But this isn't a movie and Akira doesn't want to be here.</p><p><em>Why?</em> is one of the first things that almost rolls off his tongue. But he's already listened to half a dozen of them: varying along the same vein of shallow appreciation and fictionalized personality.<em> I'm sorry but there's someone else I like</em> is textbook but never sat well with Akira. And precisely because this is all so bothersome and the sun is already trying to plaster his shirt against his back, Akira says "no" after taking her letter.</p><p>Followed by "I'm sorry."</p><p>The girl trembles before whipping her head away and dashing off. Akira doesn't need to see to know that she's crying. And even if he wasn't aware, the glares thrown in his direction before they run off to console his admirer would have clued him in.</p><p>Akira turns to the direction of Kindaichi who finally shows himself.</p><p>"Did you have to say it like that?" Kindaichi asks, expression stormy.</p><p>The gall of him. None of this would have happened if Kindaichi stick his nose where it didn't belong.</p><p>"Why couldn't you be more kind? Say something like<em> I'm sorry but I already have someone I like</em>?"</p><p>Akira scoffs: "how is that <em>kind</em>?"</p><p>He takes a step closer. Annoyance swirls into anger. "A phrase that assumes if I didn't have someone I liked, they would have a chance. But the truth is, my answer would have stayed the same, so why feed her false hope?" he retorts.</p><p class="p1">"Don't you know how much courage it takes to confess?" Kindaich's fist clenches tight. "It wouldn't hurt to be less cruel."</p><p class="p1">Akira can't help the way his lips curl into a sneer. "Oh, is that coming from experience?"</p><p class="p1">And maybe, if they didn't have a practice match in two days, this would be enough to wear Kindaichi's patience thin and force him to snap.</p><p class="p1">"You can only say this because you don't know what it's like to have someone you think about constantly. Where your eyes trail after them unconsciously. Where your entire day changes just because you catch a glimpse of them." Kindaichi's balled fist relaxes in exasperation. He walks off.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1">As expected, both of the get chewed out by their coach.</p><p class="p1">They barely interact during practice.</p><p class="p1">And when practice ends, Akira goes home while Kindaichi chooses to stay for a few more drills.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1">The train rattles. The sky outside is as if someone dumped a bucket of red and then sloshed around in it. A sky line of thin wisps of clouds, silhouette of a flock of birds, and city infrastructure. The carriage is filled with students chattering away in clusters. Some sporting an uniform identical to his. Others of nearby schools. By the door, clinging to the rails, is a group of kids with his old uniform.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1">Same train line, same teammates for three years. A time frame that is neither long nor short, but enough to be acquainted past a ball, a net, and the squeak of shoes against linoleum. Like the middle schoolers near the door, they too, were squashed into packed carriages. The days where they were lucky enough to find seats end up in elbows brushing and knees flush against each other as Kindaichi hovers before them, choosing to sway. The rare mornings where Akira gets up early enough to catch the early train and watch as the person across from him dozes off. Serenity replacing the usual scowl despite arms crossed. A raven head that would bob in time to the train's pace.</p><p class="p1">Akira stuffs earbuds into both ears but never presses play, observing his teammate across for him. Waiting until the conductor announces their stop and for the off chance he doesn't wake.</p><p class="p1">It never happens.</p><p class="p1">So he walks with his hands stuffed in his pockets, as if his world has narrowed down to just between him and the music. But there is no music. Just the sound of footsteps that never overtake him.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1">Akira turns his attention to the envelope. Fingernail picking at the sticker before prying it open.</p><p class="p1">The contents are just what he expects. Conjectures. Assumptions derived from watching his actions and trying to derive meaning for them. Inscribed between the lines of black ink is a load of expectations — all things Akira is not.</p><p class="p1">The thing is, there's nothing wrong in getting to know him better. It's just that these underlying expectations pave way to disappointment. And when Akira can't match the image they have created in their head, they leave the same way they arrive: without Akira's opinion. Just an one-sided selfish discard and <em>you're not what I expected</em>.</p><p class="p1">Of course he isn't. They just never tried to understand Akira in the first place.</p><p class="p1">Confessions take a certain amount of courage. But more often than not they are steeped in false hope and encouraged by well meaning friends who don't have to suffer the consequences.</p><p class="p1">Akira folds the letter and tucks it away. He stuffs earbuds into both ears and presses play. The song that picks up is one that Kindaichi had excitedly recommended 3 years ago, forced it onto both Kageyama and Akira, connecting them by a cord of black.</p><p class="p1">Akira presses skip and closes his eyes, waiting for the familiar announcement overhead.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1">Akira looks out the second floor window absentmindedly, elbow leaning against the sill.Eyes falling onto the minibus that pulls in. A horde of black and orange jerseys. A flash of orange that darts about excitedly. And a familiar once teammate. He watches as they head towards the gymnasium.</p><p class="p1">And knows there is a trace of a smile on his lips.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>You can only say this because you don't know what it's like to have someone you think about constantly. Where your eyes trail after them unconsciously. Where your entire day changes just because you catch a glimpse of them.</em>
</p><p class="p1">See, that's where Kindaichi is mistaken. They just don't have that type of relationship where they talk about the matters of the heart.</p><p class="p1">And its precisely because Akira is aware of these emotions that he keeps them hidden.</p><p class="p1">You should never use your heart as a wager, bet with it on the line.</p><p class="p1">Keep it tucked in the deepest corners. So that when eyes meet across the net Akira can still smile.</p>
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